Let us now discuss cougars. Not the “large, tawny cat” defined by dictionary.com, but women over forty who date younger men. In other words, not the feline, but the female.
You used to be able to find cougars in the mountains, but now cougars are online in their bra and undies, at www.datea cougar.com, which invites younger men to log on to meet “Older Beautiful Women” in the “cougar community.”
I’m trying to figure out how I feel about cougars.
I get it, in principle. Older men have been dating younger women since the dawn of time, and usually I think turnabout is fair play. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, though I keep forgetting which is the girl. Maybe it’s time for men to see what it feels like when the stiletto is on the other foot.
Although please note that when an older woman dates a younger man, she’s called a predator. When an older man dates a younger woman, he’s called a success.
But still, what is going on here? Do these men want mothers? Can anyone really want a second mother? You could die from guilt of that magnitude.
And do these women really feel younger when they’re the one with all the wrinkles? I like my men even wrinklier than me. If I could date a prune, I would.
But let’s look to history for guidance.
Probably the first recorded cougar was Mrs. Robinson, the wealthy housewife who preyed on Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate. She had great eyeliner, but boozed it up, seduced her daughter’s boyfriend, and wore leopard, the hallmark of cougardom. Ironically, cougar is not the fur of choice for cougars. Don’t ask me why. I’m new around here.
Other old-school cougars were equally drunk, or worse, overly made-up. Think Mrs. Dubcek in 3rd Rock From the Sun, if you can follow my literary references. She was the landlord on the show, who smoked, drank, and flirted, the cougar trifecta.
Then Demi Moore came along, not only dating Ashton Kutcher but marrying him, and it was a turning point in cougar history. Demi brought respectability to cougars everywhere. She could have had any man she wanted, but she chose a man-child.
Demi taught us that you don’t have to be drunk to realize that Ashton Kutcher is drop-dead gorgeous. And maybe smart and a nice guy, too, but who cares. He’s superhot, and if he needs a little help with his French homework, so much the better.
Nowadays, cougars abound. Hollywood types like Halle Berry, Kristin Chenoweth, and Drew Barrymore all date younger men. Every day I meet normal women who date younger men, and none of them dies from exertion.
Hmm.
I confess I almost have some experience in this area.
A near-miss.
Once upon a time, I met a very nice young man. He was twenty-something to my forty-something, and even more gorgeous than Ashton Kutcher, and I wasn’t drunk at the time. When he asked me out, I thought I’d heard him wrong. After all, I was doddering to his toddling.
Usually I have better self-esteem, but all I could think was, why do you want to go out with me, child? I’m old enough to be your mother. And if I were, I’m pretty sure I would have nursed you.
Heh heh.
In any event, this happened before cougar nation, so I didn’t take him seriously. I forget what I said, but I think it was something cringeworthy like, “You must be joking.”
Ouch.
In those days, it didn’t seem like it would be okay to go out with a man half my age. I thought people would laugh at me, or him. Plus I couldn’t see myself with someone who didn’t know Steely Dan. And my days of pushing a stroller were over, though he would have looked so cute in OshKosh B’Gosh overalls.
But now, times have changed, and I have to ask myself, do I regret saying no?
You bet your ass I do.
I mean, perhaps.
Maybe cougars are a good thing, after all. I’m suspicious of men who go out with much younger women, because I think they need to be adored. So what’s the matter if women need to be adored, too? I mean, so what if he doesn’t know Steely Dan?
So I’ve been wrong. Go for it, ladies. I don’t judge you.
Find the right guy, and teach him a thing or two.