A vampire is a beautiful woman who has an insatiable need for male attention. She can be recognized by the small harem of male worshippers she keeps around her. She usually has a boyfriend, but no one man can ever satisfy her need for positive male attention—hence the harem. The vampire doesn’t like competing for masculine attention. If she has female friends, those friends are always much, much less attractive than she is.
The vampire’s preferred prey is a nerd who’s too inexperienced with women to know that he’ll never have anything real with her. If she sees any sign of the nerd finally losing interest, she’ll throw him a small emotional tidbit to keep him in his cage. On extremely rare occasions she might even sleep with him; when she does, it isn’t to build a relationship but to keep him semi-content in his chains. She is unbelievably good at keeping sex just out of reach of the nerd even after she’s slept with him.
I met my first vampire when I was a sophomore in college, and I learned how to get her to date me by accident. I was taking a History of WWII class. There was only one girl in the entire class and she always came to class late.
The first time she entered the classroom, our male instructor stopped in mid-sentence and stared at her. We all did. She had long silky black hair, olive complexion, and curves in places where most other women don’t even have places. She wore a tight tank top and short shorts that left little to imagination.
Every single guy in the room was praying, “Please, please sit next to me.”
A couple of the guys in the room knew her and waved her over to them. We all watched her bounce to her seat.
She was at least ten minutes late for every class. Every time she walked in, all the guys except me stopped and watched her until she sat down. By then, I’d dated a number of women who were just as good-looking, and I’ve always been a contrarian; I’m naturally inclined to do the opposite of everyone else. The third time she was late, I didn’t look up when she came into the room. I made it a point to ignore her from then on. A couple weeks after I stopped paying attention to her, she began to sit next to me.
It was so obvious that she wanted me to hit on her. I didn’t. It amused me to frustrate her.
About a month into the class, I was in a student lounge completely wrapped up in a good book when I looked up. She was sitting at the same table I was. I saw from her face that I’d probably been accidentally ignoring her for awhile. I couldn’t help it; I laughed at how uncomfortable she looked and then asked, “Aren’t you in my History of WWII class?”
She said, “Yes.”
I introduced myself and then said, “I don’t know if you can tell, but most of the guys in our class find you unbelievably attractive.”
I watched her as she began to smile and then stop when she figured out what I’d said wasn’t necessarily a compliment. I left immediately afterwards.
Even back then, I knew the best way to attract a girl who seeks attention is to withhold it, and that one of the best ways to stand out from the pack to a woman who gets compliments all the time is to give her a backhanded one.
She kept on sitting next to me in class. For the most part I ignored her. Every other class or so, I’d say hi. Near the end of the semester after a class, I asked her out on a date. I wasn’t surprised when she accepted. I found out on the date that she was seventeen and that she had skipped two years of school. She was extremely bright but also extremely young and inexperienced.
I felt like I was on a date with a ten-year-old—she was that immature. I always considered myself narcissistic. She was so much better at it than me, I felt like a tiny dim candle sitting next to the sun. She spent our entire date talking about herself. The only thing I could interject was, ‘Uh huh’ from time to time.
At the end of our date, I walked her to her door. I stepped in close; she lifted her face up toward mine, closed her eyes, and slightly opened her mouth. The girl had the body of a beautiful woman and emotional maturity of a ten-year-old. I couldn’t kiss her; I would have felt like a pedophile. I grabbed her right hand in a firm grip and shook her hand twice and said, “Thanks for an interesting night.” The shock in her now wide-open eyes was hilarious. It almost made up for the rest of the date. I told myself in the future to try to avoid that degree of narcissism. I didn’t know it at the time but I’d just had a date with a baby vampire.
She was smart and beautiful. With time and experience, I’m sure she became a much better vampire.
One of the greatest discoveries of modern medicine is the science of vaccinations. If a human being is exposed to a weakened or dead virus, we’re made immune to the stronger virus. I had no idea at the time, but my date with the baby vampire helped immunize me against the adult variety.
The next vampire I met was when I was in graduate school. A friend of a friend was one of her victims and was totally in love with her. If the guy had been one of my friends, I wouldn’t have made a play for her.
This vampire had skills. She had the hot librarian look down. She was intelligent, funny, and could talk gear and science like the best of guys. It was almost impossible for a nerd NOT to fall in love in her. I was totally intrigued by her because she didn’t make sense. Normal women use their body language to tell you if they want you or not. When you give a normal girl a friendly hug, you can tell by what she does with her center of balance if she views you as a potential lover or not. If she leans away, she’s repulsed by you. If her center of balance doesn’t shift, she thinks you’re just a friend. If she leans into you, she’s open to something physical.
The vampire’s body language was contradictory. It was always come hither to a certain point, and then it was go away. There were times when she leaned into me and other times when she leaned away.
I knew she gave other guys the, ‘I want to be friends’ speech all the time. I didn’t make an attempt to be her friend; by then I’d given up on fake friendships. My goal was to be a friendly acquaintance until I figured her out. After awhile, I could tell that it bothered her that I wasn’t in love with her like all her other ‘friends.’ I noticed she didn’t have a single girlfriend and that all her guy friends were worshipers. In some ways she reminded me of the baby vampire.
So I tried an experiment. One day when we were alone, I told her she was beautiful, intelligent, and funny. For almost five minutes I praised her truthfully letting her know all the great things I noticed about her, and then when it was clear to me she was convinced I was in love with her and just about to start giving me the friend speech, I started lying.
I told her I didn’t know how it was possible since she was so sexy and beautiful, but for some strange reason I wasn’t physically attracted to her as a woman. I told her that emotionally she felt just like a guy to me. In fact if I closed my eyes, I totally got the vibe she was a guy. I told her that I knew we’d be great friends because there wasn’t any sexual tension to get in the way.
Normal women react normally. Insult any normal woman—tell her she’s not sexually attractive at all— and she’ll want nothing to do with you. Abnormal women react differently. At the time, I didn’t know anything about vampires. All I knew was that normal techniques wouldn’t work on this girl, so I tried something different.
After that conversation she stopped giving me mixed messages. She tried everything in her power to seduce me. Eventually I let her. After we had sex, I recognized the look on her face. It was the same look I got when I slept with the wrong girl. If I hadn’t been so good at hiding that look myself, I probably wouldn’t have known what I was seeing.
It was a funny kind of sad to be on the opposite side of that look. I wasn’t upset. I have a lot of flaws, but hypocrisy isn’t one of them; I had no right to be upset about something I’d done so many times. I watched her get dressed and escape from the scene of the crime as fast as I’ve ever done. Even though I should have known better, I tried to make a relationship work with her. If I treated her well she lost interest, if I treated her like I didn’t want her she came back.
The vampire and I had a lot in common. We had similar interests and a similar sense of humor. In a lot of ways good and bad, we deserved each other. When we talked about gear or philosophical questions, I had as much fun with her as I did with any of my best guy friends, but I got tired of having to ill treat someone I liked in order to be with her. I had no interest in becoming one of her worshippers, so I broke up with her after a few months. As expected, when I truly wanted to leave, she really tried to keep me in the relationship.
I’m not one to ever a mistake just once so I had to date a couple more vampires before I learned it was a waste of time.