Okay, you’ve made your pitch and she’s responded positively. You’re talking to the girl. What do you do next?
Reach out and touch her. But it very definitely has to be the right kind of touch.
Classical actors use their body language, words, and tone to convey emotions they don’t have. Method actors display the thoughts and the emotions they’re actually feeling. We are born method actors. We have to study and train to become classical actors. Unless you’re a great classical actor and have the skills to pretend otherwise, every emotion and thought you have is displayed in your voice, face, and touch.
Every guy has experienced a phenomenon I call the spontaneous stiffy. Teenage boys who experience this reaction almost always get an ‘Oh shit’ expression on their face and they jerk forward to decrease the pressure on their crotch. You are immediately self-conscious because it is embarrassing. It is not sexy or attractive.
The girl you’re slow dancing with knows what’s happening even if you can keep your bulge from touching her. Men eventually grow out of physical stiffies; the mental ones never go away. It doesn’t matter if your wood is physical or mental, a woman can usually tell. A man with lust in his heart has a different touch than a man who doesn’t.
You’re friends with a girl with an awesome personality. You really like her but you aren’t physically attracted to her at all. One day you’re giving her a friendly hug good-bye and you get the feeling she’s imagining you naked. How do you feel? I’m going to bet it’s not good.
Being desired by someone we want is wonderful; being desired by someone we don’t is repulsive. Men and women are different. I’m speaking in generalities here and there are always exceptions to the rule, but if a woman is physically attractive, we usually want her. A woman has to like a man—no matter how attractive he is, before she wants him.
If you put your arm around a girl while mentally undressing her, you’re making a sexual pass. It’s a really awesome way to make her uncomfortable.
So why am I encouraging you to touch her? Before I answer this question, I want you to imagine a happy family on a picnic. Form the mental image of the dad affectionately rubbing his son’s head and giving his daughter a quick hug has he rough houses with them. The mom calls the family to the meal by name and she lightly touches them as she sends them off to do this and that. The brother laughingly insults his younger sister and she playfully slaps him in return.
Now imagine a dysfunctional family eating a meal in silence. There are no displays of affection. The family members hardly ever touch each other—it’s really hard to show affection without touch. That’s why you want to touch the girl you like.
The greatest players are amazing actors; they can fake affection and caring. If you’re reading this book, statistical probability indicates you’re not a player. In which case, you’re better off not trying to fake anything because you’re bad at it.
If you don’t like a girl, don’t touch her. If you like her, be affectionate. If you’re happy to see her, give her a hug. Pat her on the shoulder when you want her attention or want to make a point. We all want to be liked. We all want affection. It is extremely difficult to be happy if you’re not liked.
It’s ironic, but beautiful women have a harder time getting affection than not-so-beautiful women. Other women are jealous. Men are often too intimidated or too lust-filled give them a simple friendly hug. Learn how to use this technique and you might be surprised how much of a positive response you get.
It’s almost impossible to NOT think of something. Don’t try to NOT think of her physical looks. Instead think about how happy you are to see her. Think about why you like her—her sense of humor, her kindness, or how interesting she is—as you touch her.
In the same way there are physical laws of the universe, there are emotional and spiritual laws. Eventually what you send out into the universe comes back. There’s a reason why the best players are almost always miserable and unhappy.
When you pick up a girl, try to be in a game where both of you win. Being with you shouldn’t mean she loses. When I write, “Be the gift that keeps on giving,” I’m trying to be funny—but underneath the joke is a core of truth.