Sunday, April 22, Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Last Sunday, I forced the boys to sit and listen to Go4it, the new Radio 4 children's programme. I was annoyed when, after only five minutes, Glenn complained, "It's for posh kids, innit?" William fell asleep during the Sir Steve Redgrave interview. I woke him and said, "Sir Steve has won five gold medals for this country. The least you can do is stay awake while he's talking."
This evening, we again sat down to listen. I was enthralled by the interview with Thunderbirds creator Gerry Anderson. I was once besotted with Lady Penelope. She was the subject of my first sexual fantasy. I still like women who are a bit on the wooden side. Pandora Braithwaite MP, the love of my life, has a carved look about her. Though it is the Labour party who are now pulling her strings. Ha ha!
She was on the news tonight, wearing Prada Wellingtons and a tweed suit, trying to assure angry country folk why a massive hole containing hundreds of thousands of noxious, decomposing cows and sheep, would not become a health hazard. A reporter shouted, "Have you signed the compact, Pandora?" She snapped, "The only compact I have any use for has the name Chanel embossed on the lid."
Monday, April 23
Pandora's remark has landed her in trouble with the CRE. She's been ordered to have her photo taken with a black or brown person. She rang to ask if William was available. I said, "The child's skin is not for hire." She asked me for Mohammed's mobile number and then rang off.
Tuesday, April 24
When I went to the BP garage for a box of Coco Pops, Mohammed was bursting with the news that Pandora had rung him and had invited herself and a Newsnight crew to dinner last night. She had requested chicken tikka masala. Mohammed said, "Me missus were a bit put out, coz she usually gets fish and chips on Tuesdays, but you can't deny Pandora owt when she orders you about in that posh voice, can you?" He asked me what side Newsnight was on.
Naturellement, I viewed the programme with great interest. Pandora was wearing her Alexander McQueen-designed Punjabi suit she'd last worn to the inaugural meeting of Ashby's Anglo-Asian women's rugby team.