"I can't see out this thing," said Eddie.
"Well, try, goddammit," said Snake.
They were standing at the entrance to the Jolly Jackal, wearing panty hose on their heads. Snake had pulled the left leg of his panty hose over his face; the right leg was dangling down his chest. Eddie had pulled the pelvic region of his panty hose over his face, so that both of the legs were hanging down his back, making him look like a large, frightened rabbit.
"I'm just saying," said Eddie, "we should of got a lighter shade."
"We got what we got," said Snake.
They had obtained the panty hose from the five-and-dime in Coconut Grove. They had not had time
to examine their selections carefully, because Snake had shoplifted them while Eddie had distracted the store employees by pretending to have a seizure. Snake had grabbed the first panty hose he saw. They turned out to be Hanes Control Top, for the full-figured woman, in jet black.
"Might as well have a bucket over my head," said Eddie.
"You just do like I tole you," said Snake. "You got the sack?"
"I got the damn sack," said Eddie, patting a rolled-up Winn-Dixie grocery bag tucked into the waistband of his shorts. The plan was, while Snake held the gun on the bartender, Eddie was going to fill the sack with money from the cash register, starting with the large bills, then the small bills, then, time permitting, the coins.
"OK," said Snake, taking a deep breath. "Remember, don't say nothin' in there. 'Specially don't say my name. And don't do nothin' stupid."
"Far as I'm concerned," said Eddie, "this whole fuckin' idea is stupid."
"We'll see who's stupid," said Snake, gripping his gun and pushing open the door.
"So," said Matt, "where do you want to be shot?" He, Jenny, and Andrew had walked through the alley from Grand Avenue and were in the dimly lit parking lot behind the five-and-dime, which contained a couple dozen cars, and, at the moment, no other people.
"Whyn't you shoot her in the crotch?" said Andrew. "You could be, like, a couple."
"Shut up," said Matt. To Jenny, he said, "How about I just shoot you on your hand?"
"OK," she said. She liked that Matt was considerate about where he shot her.
"OK, then," said Matt. "Andrew, get ready to witness this."
"Yes, SIR!" said Andrew, leaning forward and scrunching his face into a major frown to indicate how seriously he was taking this responsibility.
Jenny held out her right arm, turning the palm toward Matt, offering her hand to him. He could not believe how beautiful she looked. He raised the Jet-Blast Junior, holding it with both hands, straight out, like on the TV cop shows. He aimed at Jenny's hand and began to squeeze the trigger.
"FREEZE!" came the hoarse shout from the alley. The three teenagers turned to see a stocky shape lumbering toward them. "FREEZE!" the shape yelled again, even though so far nobody had moved. Then the shape emitted a pop, and the windshield of the car next to Matt fractured into a craze of cracks.
"Holy shit, he's shooting," said Andrew.
"Come on," said Matt. He grabbed Jenny's arm and, pulling her with him, started running toward the far end of the parking lot. "Andrew!" he yelled back over his shoulder. "C'MON!"
Andrew started running after Matt and Jenny.
"FREEZE!" yelled the shape again. There was another pop.
Matt kept running, still towing Jenny, who was whispering «JesusJesusJesusJesus» as she ran, one Jesus per step. There was another pop and an instantaneous THUNK as a bullet struck near Andrew, who dove sideways behind a car. Matt and Jenny reached the edge of the parking lot, burst through a thick hedge, and found themselves in the waist-high weeds of an unlit, trash-strewn backyard. They stumbled straight ahead, blindly, into the dark.
Back in the parking lot, Andrew, crouching, fear-frozen, behind the car, heard the shape lumbering toward him. It was breathing hard.
"FREEZE!" it gasped. "FRUNHHHMPH."
The shape, having tripped on a low concrete barrier, went down like a two-hundred-pound sack of suet. The pistol went clattering ahead, coming to rest directly in front of the crouching Andrew. Andrew, not thinking at all, just doing, grabbed the pistol, jumped up, and sprinted toward the alley leading back to Grand Avenue, past the sprawled, moaning mass of Jack Pendick, Crime Fighter.
When Snake pushed open the door of the Jolly Jackal, it banged hard into Leo, who had been on the other side, starting to pull the door open for Puggy, who was straining under the weight of the suitcase containing Arthur's bomb. Behind Puggy was Arthur, feeling in his pocket for his car keys so he could open the trunk of his Lexus. Behind Arthur was John, holding the briefcase.
The force of the opening door knocked Leo into Puggy, who staggered back and dropped the suitcase on Arthur's toe. Arthur screamed and lurched hard into John, who fell backward over a chair, landing on the floor, dropping the briefcase.
Snake, surprised to see so many people right there, jerked his gun up and waved it vaguely around. He said, "Don't nobody unh."
Snake stumbled forward a step. Eddie, right behind him, had walked into his back.
"Watch out, goddammit," Snake said.
"I can't see shit," whispered Eddie.
"Just shut up," Snake said. To Leo, Puggy, John, and Arthur, he said, "Stick 'em up."
They stuck 'em up, except for John, who was lying on the floor next to the briefcase, and who stuck 'em more or less horizontally.
On the TV screen, two hefty women with lip fuzz were beating on a man with long greasy hair and maybe 60 percent of his original teeth.
Snake said, "OK, first thing." He moved close to Puggy, who started to back away, watching the gun. Snake — using his left foot, the one Puggy had not broken — kicked Puggy hard in the balls. Soundlessly, Puggy fell to the floor, putting his hands between his legs. Snake kicked him in the face. Puggy moved his hands up to cover his face and curled away from Snake. Snake kicked him in the back, twice, then stepped away.
"I ain't done with you yet," he said. He pointed the gun at Leo and said, "Open the cash register. Keep your hands where I can see 'em. You reach for that fuckin' baseball bat and I blow your fuckin' head off."
Leo, keeping his hands up and his eyes on the gun, backed around the bar and over to the cash register. Keeping his left hand in the air, he pressed a touch-pad on the register. The cash drawer slid open.
"OK," said Snake, elbowing Eddie. "Go get it."
Eddie, holding his hands out in front of him like Boris Karloff in The Mummy, inched forward until he felt the bar. He then began to feel his way along it.
"Jesus CHRIST, will you hurry UP?" said Snake.
"Next time, I hold the gun," said Eddie. With his right hand, he pulled the waistband of the panty hose away from the bottom of his face, so he could see the floor right in front of him. He shuffled around the end of the bar and over to the cash register. He looked in the cash drawer.
"I'll be goddamn," he said.
"Get the big bills first," said Snake.
"Which big bill?" said Eddie. "The one? Or the other one?"
"What the fuck are you talkin' about?" asked Snake.
"I'm talkin' about, there's two bills in here, and they're both ones."
"There's gotta be more," said Snake.
"Oh yeah, there's more," said Eddie. "There's, looks like, prolly a buck fifty in change in here."
Snake pondered this.
"You want me to put it all in the sack?" asked Eddie, holding up the Winn-Dixie grocery bag.
Snake pointed the gun at Leo and said, "Where's the money?"
Leo shrugged. "Business very bad," he said, pronouncing it "wary bod."
"You got the money somewhere," said Snake. "You wanna get shot?"
"No," said Leo.
"You don't gimme the money," said Snake, "you're gonna get shot."
On the TV screen, the greasy-haired man had yanked down the front of one of the lip-fuzzed women's tank tops, exposing a pair of massive flopping breasts. The nipples were electronically blotted out, in accordance with the rules of network-TV decency.
From the floor, John said, "I have money."
Snake looked at him. "Where?" he asked.
"Wallet," said John. "In my pants. I give to you."
Snake pointed the gun straight at John's head. He said, "It better be a wallet you pull outta them pants."
John, moving slowly, put his right hand in his pants pocket, pulled out a cheap cloth wallet, and tossed it across the floor to Snake. Snake picked it up with his non-gun hand and counted the contents with his thumb. This did not take long, because the wallet contained one ten, one five and three singles.
"Eighteen fucking dollars?" he said. "What kinda bar is this?"
"Business very bad," repeated Leo.
"Is bad location," pointed out John.
"You want the sack to hold the eighteen dollars?" asked Eddie.
"You don't shut up," said Snake, "I'm gonna shoot you."
Snake pondered some more. He figured there was something going on here… these four guys all standing by the door… he just couldn't figure out what. He looked at the guys more carefully. His gaze rested on Arthur. He noticed that Arthur was wearing nice clothes and a gold watch.
"You," said Snake, gesturing at Arthur with the gun. "Gimme your watch."
Arthur took off his watch and tossed it to Snake, who caught it and held it up to his panty hose for a closer look. It looked like real gold. Snake perked up.
"Now gimme your wallet," said.
Arthur extracted his wallet from his back pocket and tossed it to Snake, who thumbed it open and saw a wad of twenties. Stuffing the wallet in his pocket, he looked at Arthur. Snake was putting the clues together… a guy in nice clothes, with a wad of cash, in a shithole like this… no question about it, this guy was a drug dealer. Maybe even a kingpin. Which meant that…
"What's in there?" he asked Arthur, pointing to the suitcase.
"A bomb," said Arthur.
"Yeah, right," said Snake.
"Really!" said Arthur, who had been a world-class snitch in junior high. "It's a bomb! These guys are Russians, and they sell bombs!"
Snake looked at John. John rolled his eyes to indicate what a ridiculous idea this was.
"Bombs," he said, snorting. "Pff!! No bombs! Is bar."
"Is bar," agreed Leo.
Snake looked at the suitcase. On the TV, Jerry Springer was saying that, in a relationship, people need to compromise.
"Eddie," said Snake. "Open the suitcase."
"Dammit, Snake," said Eddie, "you said my name!"
"Well, you just said my name, you moron," said Snake.
"Snake ain't a name," said Eddie. "Snake is a nickname."
"Before we criticize others," Jerry Springer was saying, "we need to take a look in the mirror at…»
Snake shot Jerry Springer, who disappeared in a violent implosion of glass shards. Everybody, Snake included, flinched at the gunshot; Arthur made a whimpering sound. It was Snake's first real effort to shoot anything, and he was pretty surprised to have hit the target, which was now a smoking hole in the plastic TV cabinet. It made him feel good; he took it as an indication that he was well suited to this new line of work.
"Now," said Snake to Eddie, "open the damn suitcase."
Muttering, Eddie pulled the panty hose waist off of the lower part of his face and shuffled back around the bar to the suitcase, which was lying on its side. He fumbled with the latches and finally got them unfastened. With his hand on the lid, he looked up at Snake.
"What if it is a bomb?" he asked.
"Open it," said Snake.
Gingerly, Eddie opened the lid and looked inside.
"What is it?" said Snake.
"Beats the shit outta me," said Eddie. "It ain't money, tell you that."
Snake stepped closer and looked at the contents of the suitcase. He couldn't tell what it was, either. It looked kind of like a garbage disposal. But he knew it had to be something important. That much he knew. Maybe it was some kind of drug container. Or maybe emeralds were in there; somebody told Snake once that drug kingpins always had emeralds. Whatever it was, Snake saw this as an opportunity, after a lifetime of being a low-life scum, to show some initiative, to do something with his sorry self, to move up the ladder to the level of big-time scum. But how should he handle it? He knew he needed to think, and think hard. He aimed the gun at Leo, behind the bar.
"Gimme a drink," he said.
Leo poured a vodka and set it on the bar. Snake picked it up and attempted to slug it down, but, because he was wearing panty hose on his head, much of it dribbled down the front of his T-shirt. On the floor, John snorted. Snake whirled and pointed the gun at him.
"You think that's funny?" he said.
"No," said John.
"All right," said Snake. "Here's what we're gonna do. You got a car?" He was looking at Arthur.
Arthur nodded.
"Outside here?"
Arthur nodded again.
"Gimme your car keys."
Arthur tossed Snake the keys.
"OK," said Snake. "Eddie, I want you…»
"Stop sayin' my name!" said Eddie.
"OK, whoever you are, latch up the suitcase." said Snake, "We're goin' for a ride. You're goin' with us." He pointed the gun at Arthur.
"You don't want me!" said Arthur. "You want these other guys! They're Russians! They sell missiles! There's ten thousand dollars in that briefcase there!"
"Yeah, right," said Snake. These drug kingpins would try to tell you anything.
"No!" said Arthur. "I'm telling you, there's ten thou — "
"Shut up, asshole," said Snake, aiming the gun at Arthur.
Arthur shut up.
"OK, Ed… you," said Snake. "Pick up the suitcase."
Eddie grabbed the handle and heaved. The suitcase barely moved.
"It's too heavy," said Eddie.
"Do I gotta do everything?" asked Snake. He stepped over and yanked on the suitcase handle and damn that thing was heavy. Snake pondered for a moment, then remembered who was carrying the suitcase when he came in.
He kicked Puggy, who was still curled fetally on the floor, hoping to be forgotten.
"Pick up the suitcase," said Snake.
Slowly, Puggy stood up. His nose had bled a streak down the side of his cheek. He picked up the suitcase with one hand and stood holding it.
Snake turned to Leo. "You," he said. "Get back around here and go sit next to your friend."
Warily, Leo came around the bar. As he passed Snake, Snake slugged him on the back of the head with the barrel of the gun. Snake thought this would cause him to collapse to the ground, unconscious, because that's what always happened to people on TV when they got slugged on the head with guns. Instead, the gun went off, shooting a bullet into the ceiling, and Leo lurched forward, clasping his hand to his head and going "OW!"
Snake, trying to act as though this was exactly what he had wanted to happen, said, "That'll teach you to hit people with bats. Now siddown with your friend there."
Leo sat on the floor next to John.
Snake, in his most menacing voice, told them, "If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, next bullet goes through your head."
This threat did not make logical sense, but John and Leo chose not to point this out.
Eddie shuffled over and put his head close to Snake's so that they could have a confidential conference, panty hose to panty hose. Eddie whispered, "Where the./wc/t're we goin'?"
"That guy's house," whispered Snake, indicating Arthur.
"Why the fuck we doin' that?" whispered Eddie.
"Because," said Snake, "this here is a drug kingpin, and we got 'im by the balls, and he has some-thin' good in that suitcase, which we are gonna find out what it is, and I bet he got a lot more good stuff at his house." Snake knew, from Miami Vice, that drug kingpins lived in big, modern houses with stashes of valuable drugs and cash money. Also fine-looking women who were attracted to powerful lawless men with guns.
"Snake," whispered Eddie, "we got the guy's wallet, we got the other guy's eighteen dollars. Let's just get the fuck out of here."
"No way, man," hissed Snake. "This is our chance. We're not gonna blow this. And you are not gonna punk out on me now."
"Oh, man," said Eddie, shaking his head, so that his panty hose legs flopped back and forth.
Snake grabbed the door handle and pulled the door open. He pointed the gun at Puggy and Arthur.
"Move," he said.
Arthur said, "Listen, you don't want me, you want these guys here, they're Russians and they have ten th…»
Arthur flinched backward violently as Snake stepped toward him, raising the gun.
"I tole you to shut up, asshole," said Snake. You had to be tough with these kingpins; it was the only way they'd respect you. "OK, let's go now."
And so they exited the Jolly Jackal — first Arthur, limping on the toe that Puggy had dropped the bomb on; then Puggy, lugging the suitcase; then Snake, holding the gun; then Eddie, still wagging his sad rabbit ears.
After the door closed behind them, there was a moment of silence in the Jolly Jackal. Finally, John, sittig on the floor next to the briefcase containing ten thousand dollars in cash, said to Leo, "Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?"
This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War?"
Eliot was on his sofa watching a rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and eating Cheez-Its from the box when the phone rang. "Hello?" he said.
"Hey," said Anna, "it's Anna. Are you busy?"
"As a matter of fact," said Eliot, "I'm working on a six-figure ad campaign for a very important client."
"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry," said Anna, "I'll… "
"Not really," said Eliot. "I'm watching a rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and eating Cheez-Its from the box."
"Wow. I've heard about you swinging bachelors."
"And that's not all. After Buffy, I'm gonna log on to America Online and see if I received any email from total strangers wanting to make me rich or send me pictures of themselves naked."
"Well, I won't keep you…»
"No! Keep me! Keep me!"
"Well, I wanted to say, first, thanks again for lunch."
"Hey, any time. In fact, right now! You wanna get lunch again right now?"
Anna laughed. "I'd love to, but right now I'm trying to be a good mother, which is the other reason I called. I'm trying to track down Jenny. She was meeting your son at Coco Walk for that stupid Killer game, and she was gonna call me and let me know when to pick her up, but I haven't heard from her, and I was wondering if Matt called you."
"Of course not. Matt only calls when he needs the car. Which he did earlier tonight, to go kill Jenny. He's supposed to be back" — Eliot looked at his watch — "any minute now."
"Well, could you let me know when you hear from him?"
"Sure," said Eliot. He was thrilled to have an excuse to call her.
"I hate to be a hovering mother," said Anna, "but I'm a little worried, what with the stuff that's happened lately. Jenny's usually good about calling."
"Well," said Eliot, "it's a mother's job to hover. But I'm sure the kids're OK. I mean, they're at Coco Walk, there's lots of people around. How much trouble can they get into?"
"JESUSJESUSJESUS…»
Jenny panted her prayer as Matt, stumbling in the darkness of the vacant lot, pulled her by the arm through the weeds, away from the sound of the popping gun. They came to a sidewalk along a narrow back street. Matt stopped and looked back.
"Where's Andrew?" he said.
"I don't know," said Jenny. "Oh God, what if they shot him?"
"Jesus," said Matt. "Maybe we should go back."
"Matt," said Jenny, "there's a guy back there shooting. With a gun. We need to call the cops."
A car was coming toward them. Matt jumped into the street and waved his arms over his head.
"Stop!" he yelled at the driver. "Hey, please STOP!"
The driver did what most Miami residents would do when confronted with a shouting person in the middle of the road: honked and accelerated. Matt leaped aside as the car brushed past. He landed back on the sidewalk on his hands and knees.
"Thanks," he said to the receding car.
"Are you OK?" asked Jenny.
"Yeah," said Matt, getting up. "Listen, let's go to my car. I parked right up there on Tiger Tail, and if we don't see a phone on the way, we can drive to one."
"OK, as long as we get out of here," said Jenny, looking back toward the parking lot.
They half ran, half jogged the three blocks to the Kia, not passing any phones. As they got into the car, Matt said, "Do you know where the police station is around here?"
Jenny said, "Could we just go to my house? My mom'll be worried by now, and we can call the police from there." Jenny wanted her mom.
"OK," said Matt. "We gotta call Andrew's mom, too." He started the engine.
I want your sex pootie!
I want your sex pootie!
"Sorry," said Matt, stabbing the stereo power button. He put the Kia into drive, and the two teenagers set off toward Jenny's house, both of them shaken, both of them looking forward to turning this scary situation over to responsible grown-ups.
In the rental car outside the entrance to the Jolly Jackal, Henry and Leonard were waiting for the armed robbery, which they viewed as none of their business, to be completed, so they could continue tailing Arthur Herk. Leonard was attempting to tell Henry a joke about a lady being examined by a doctor with a thick Japanese accent.
"… so the doctor says to the lady, 'Rady, I see your probrem. And the lady says, 'What is it, doctor? And the doctor says, 'You have Ed Zachary disease. And the lady says, 'Oh no! Ed Zachary disease! Is that serious? And the doctor says, 'Oh yes, Ed Zachary disease very serious. And the lady says, 'What does it mean? And the doctor says, 'It mean your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass. »
Henry sighed.
"Get it?" said Leonard. "Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass! Whoo. Who thinks this shit up?"
Henry turned the radio back on.
… point is that all these Gators ever do is talk trash, and then when they lose, you don't hear a peep out of 'em.
Well, I'M a Gator, OK? I'm a Gator, and I'm talkin' to you right now, so what's your problem?
My problem is that you weren't calling until I SAID no Gators were calling. THEN all of a sudden there's all these Gators calling.
I would of called before. I'm not afraid to call.
But you DIDN'T call. You're calling now, but before I SAID there were no Gators calling, there were no Gators calling, including you.
OK, but I'm calling, OK? You hear me on the phone now, right? I'm a Gator, and I'm…
Henry turned the radio back off.
"Those guys need a hobby," he said.
"Maybe they should jack off more," said Leonard. "If that's possible."
"Seriously," said Henry, "do you think any of those guys could name the vice president of the United States?"
"Hah," said Leonard, who in fact was not certain that he could name the vice president, either. He knew it was a guy in a suit, but he wasn't sure which one. The car was silent for a moment, then Leonard, who did not handle silence well, said, "Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your…»
"Shut up," said Henry.
The door to the Jolly Jackal had opened. Arthur Herk was coming out.
"There's our boy," said Henry. "Looks like he developed a limp."
Puggy came out next, lugging the suitcase.
"Who's that?" said Leonard.
"I believe that's Tarzan," said Henry, silting up.
"Who?" said Leonard.
"Guy who jumped on me from the tree at our boy's house," said Henry.
"What the fuck's he doin' here?" asked Leonard. "And what's in the suitcase?"
"We are definitely gonna find that out," said Henry.
Snake limped out, holding the gun, followed by Eddie.
"Great idea, panty hose on your head," said Henry.
"Whyn't they just wear a big sign that says 'Armed Robber. "
The four men went to Arthur's Lexus. Puggy, with Snake directing, put the suitcase into the trunk. Then they got into the car — Arthur driving, with Snake next to him; Puggy and Eddie in the back, with Puggy behind Arthur, where Snake could watch him. There was a moment of discussion, and the car started moving. Five seconds later, Henry put the rental in gear and followed.
"Where you think they're going?" asked Leonard. "Our boy's house?"
"Ed Zachary," said Henry.