This book is about many things I want to say about being a man. If you've seen my comedy act or my television show, or me in the shower, it will explain why the book is not about many things I want to say about being a woman.
At first, I didn't want to write this. Don't get me wrong: I like books, I read a lot. I know lots of great authors' names. I can spell "Camille Paglia." It's just that when you're working television, movies, and the stage you want to use your spare time for lots of things that seem more important than writing. Seeing my wife and child more than twice a year comes immediately to mind. Plus I didn't think it would be fair if I didn't write the book myself. So I put it off for a long time.
The publisher finally took some drastic measures, which convinced me that being an author would be a wise addition to my resume. Here's what changed my mind about doing the book.
Hyperion is owned by Disney, which also owns my television show. Disney owns Disneyland and Disney World. Disney also owns EuroDisney, Tokyo‑Disney, and a Disney store in every city, town, and hamlet in the world. They also have my cat.
First things being first, we needed a title, I came up with Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man. I'm not sure what it means-or if I want to know what it means-but I knew it was a winner when the mere mention of it made several people shoot pricey mineral water through their noses.
This book will be like my taking you for a spirited ride in my 575‑horsepower Mustang. We go where I want, see the things I like. When we really get moving you will have to trust me, since it's the first time I've driven this thing. Also, I'm a very goal‑oriented guy. So I'm hoping that by the end of this book you will not only have thought more about men, and what makes a man a man, as well as about how men and women relate, but you'll also have learned to speak Spanish, cook a souffle, rebuild a Hemi, and remove bloodstains from white shirts.
The truth is that writing is a challenge. It's great to see your stuff in print. I also desperately wanted to see the words "fart lighting" and "sack" on a page.
Bottom line-we're getting close to the bottom, aren't we? — I'm a man and I've arrived at that juncture in life when it's time to share what I've learned. It's been an interesting journey. Hell, it took forty years. So much is happening to guys today, from the women's movement to changing social values to the demise of the Sears catalog. This book is about how I got to where I am before this book ended my career. It probably has a few things to say about how you men got to where you are, too. And it will give the ladies a look into secret corners that men rarely discuss, much less sweep up regularly.
And if all goes well and you buy lots and lots of copies, maybe Disney will give me back my cat.