What do women want?
A good question when Sigmund Freud first posed it, a good question now, and probably a good question a thousand years from now when aliens have overrun the earth and they're trying to figure out the answer.
To discover what women want, we first need to thoroughly understand them. Comprehending women's habits, needs, desires, and the difference between a dress and a skirt is really the key to a man's peace of mind and better relations for all. Easy, right?
Here's what I know for sure: Women are not the opposite sex, they're a whole other species. And that's it. Short chapter. Goodnight, folks. Try the veal. I'm here all week.
Okay, let's not give up so easily.
Unfortunately, as you know from reading this far, women are pretty much a mystery to me, which at least makes my obsession with them completely justifiable. Just the sight of a pretty woman makes me want to make dinner reservations. I may be a guy's guy, but I can't take a man on a date and get away with it. But because I often talk about women as if I know what I'm talking about, I'm occasionally asked by complete strangers what a man should look for in a gal.
The answer is easy: breath.
She should be alive. Right away you'll be ahead of the game, and once you've established the presence of her vital signs, you can take your time looking deeper into the abyss.
Trust me, it's an abyss.
But don't take too long. Women hate to be kept waiting.
- -
Before you understand women other than your mom or sisters-and remember, to other guys they're women, too-you've got to meet them. If you're a guy on the go, the women you want to meet are usually the ones you want to date. Okay, have sex with. These are the hardest women to understand, and they don't try to make it any easier, even though they want to meet and understand you-well maybe not you, bonehead-as badly as you want to meet and understand them. Wouldn't it be great if you could just be honest with a woman you find attractive and say, "Hi. I'm Bob. You're very attractive. Want to go home and rut like weasels?"
Unfortunately, this approach hasn't worked in the general population since the late sixties. Also, your name has to be Bob.
You've got to look for a woman who wants to meet you. But how will you know? The way to tell is to study your courting cues. These all‑important signals are the only way you can ascertain if the woman you're slavering at wants you to come over and talk, or if she wants you to douse yourself with lighter fluid and strike a match. While she sips on chablis.
The first sign is usually eye contact. Make sure, however, that she isn't looking at the guy behind you. Make sure you're not looking at the guy behind you. Other signals are the hair toss, the lip lick, the earlobe pull, and the hand on your leg. If a strange but attractive woman suddenly starts undressing in front of you while licking her lips, tossing her hair, pulling her earlobe, and touching your leg, it's a pretty safe bet she's interested in you, or working her way through school.
These are not female courting cues: when she's sucking on her own elbow, scratching anyplace, or adjusting her underpants.
I learned almost everything I know about women by being friends with them. When I was younger, I also got their moms to like me, which didn't work out so well since none of the moms really turned me on. I also took feminist courses. I'd always stick up for a woman's point of view.
My wife once invited me, quite by accident, to hang out with her and her girlfriends one night when they all went out and got crazy. I guess I just looked forlorn at the prospect of another night of beer and TV sports. She said, "Tim, why don't you go with us?"
About four hours into dinner, the girls got comfortable with me around. They dropped their "he's a man" shield and realized I was just another person. Just like them, only with chest hair. I was actually interested in what they were saying. I wasn't trying to dominate the conversation like a man. I was also outnumbered-so I was very quiet. I said things like, "God, that's horrible," and "I understand how you feel," and "He's a putz. Dump him." I crossed my legs and kept my skirt tight around my knees. "Really? Interesting. I can't believe it. Well, why would he say that?" Once I started doing that honestly, they accepted me. I was part of the girls' group. I was giggling. When they went to the bathroom, I wanted to go with them.
Of course, the big question is did any of this (before marriage) help me "get some"?
Nope. Even though it's ultimately the best basis for a relationship, if you're willing to be a friend, it's always tough to convert the situation into something more romantic later.
"I don't want to ruin our friendship," a woman will say, meaning either she has never really found you attractive or that you never ignored her enough for her to build up such an intense insecurity over wondering why that she had to fall in love with you to find out. Along with "You're just like a brother to me," and "Gee, that's terribly misshapen," the friendship excuse is among the most painful sentences a man can hear.
You can respond: "We'll always be friends. Trust me." Then dive in for a kiss anyway. But she knows better. Once you're cast as a friend, women have many ways of making a guy feel like slime for even considering defiling that chaste closeness for a little sex. After all, compared to true and lasting friendship, what is sex?
It's what you're after, stupid.
Looking back at some of the women I was simply close friends with, I realize that those relationships probably brought out the best in me. I could be myself. I got in touch. with my sensitive nature. I experienced sympathetic bloating. I also wish I'd taken a shot at changing things. I can't help it. I'm a guy.
Women really like it when you're a man, though. It's tough to have a woman go for you if you don't show some generalized masculine traits. Assertiveness, decision‑making, protectiveness, nurturing. A man has to give a woman the impression that he might stand up for her and take care of her. "Might" is the operative word. Women are very big on the idea of hope. I actually stood in front of my wife during a bar fight once. I responded so quickly that I didn't even think about it first. Believe me. The surprise result was that I made her feel secure and important, which in turn made her want me. And her wanting me made me feel important and secure. It also made me want me. That's where it got a little confusing.
And now you're expecting me to tell you what women want? Haven't you been listening? I don't have the first clue.
Some women will try to adopt traits they think a guy will like. They'll learn to talk about football and cars, the best beef jerky, and patio barbecues. This works, because if she's persistent enough (and cute enough), the guys will accept her-which is good. Then they'll forget about her because she blends in so well-not so good. If a woman is really good at being a guy, then chances are they won't even notice her because real life is rarely like in the movies when the tomboy takes off her grease‑stained mechanic's jumpsuit, lets down her hair, puts on a minidress and some provocative underwear from the Victoria's Secret catalog, and stuns the leader of the pack into settling down with her so that they can crush beer cans against their foreheads together until death do they part.
The guys will call girls like that Charlie or Sam or Mike.
I should have known that it was time for a new approach when the girls started calling me Tammy.
There is an upside, however, to being a gal pal. You can learn some of their secrets. As stupid as they may sound at the time, they hold the key to, well. . something.
Here's a good one: Women are just looking for a guy who will be nice to them.
Wow! There's some information.
The thing is it's true. Knowledge like this can help lower a man's handicap. And we need all the edge we can get.
- -
While we're trying so hard to understand women, it would help if they exerted a little effort on our behalf. This might come in handy when they need our undivided attention-which seems to be most of the time.
Women. Grab your pencils. This one's for you.
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise. Once you're past the initial "What the hell are you doing?" or the more subtle "You make a better door than a window," he'll start to break down.
"C'mon, honey. Really, honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually, he'll say, "What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, okay? Okay, I'm listening!"
You will no doubt increase your odds if you're showing some leg, and you'd better know the guy pretty well before you do this. Otherwise there are questions to answer first, like "Who the hell are you and how did you get into my house?" In this case, it's possible a handgun could come into play.
Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with his car. Adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove one particular tool and hide it somewhere special. And believe me, within a day he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Do be prepared, though. He will be cranky.
More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw out his favorite old sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.
And when you finally get him to look you in the eye, you might even be able to get the guy to talk about his feelings.
"Honey, I'd feel really great if you'd move out of the way. I can't see the television."
- -
Innocent flirting is a way of expressing desire without actually doing anything about it. As such, it is one of our most genteel sports, not to mention low in fat and easily digestible. I know this because when I was young I was a pretty accomplished flirt. I figured that flirting was about as far as I was going to get, anyway, since I had such a horrible complexion. Even if you're ugly, you can be a good flirt. And flirting is safe because it is impossible to pin down. It's noncommittal. No one can ever be positively sure it's taking place.
"I don't know. I think she was flirting. Yeah, that was definitely flirting. I mean, I think it was."
One thing to remember: There's a big difference between flirting and actually hitting on someone. Flirting is like dancing around the subject. Hitting is like stepping on its toes. In other words, you're hitting on a woman until she flirts back. Flirting has to go two ways. A woman has to realize what you're doing and give you the raised eyebrow and welcoming smile. To have successfully flirted means you haven't annoyed anybody.
One of my most memorable flirting experiences happened at a party. It was beautiful. She had on a headset from one of those kids' toys like My First Sony. I had one on, too. (No, I'm not explaining why.) I'd known her for a long time and, frankly, we'd never acted as if we'd found the other remotely attractive. But within the privacy of the headset, it was suddenly fun to toy with the untapped energy between us. Besides, she started it. She was doing a little dance an inch from my fingertips. And then she started saying very provocative stuff into the microphone, for my ears only. "Oh, I think you're cute." "That's a great shirt." "I wonder what you'd look like naked?"
Bingo!
If I'd gone, "Meet me outside and I'll show you," I'd have crossed the line. Instead, I suggested we could make out behind the heavy living‑room drapes. No, no! Great flirtmeister that I am, I was embarrassed. But I loved it. I'd had the thrill without the consequences.
It was like Chinese food, but without MSG.
- -
If he opposite of being bold is being in love but saying nothing at all. This is not to be confused with being too cool for your own good.
Silence has its complications. When I was in college, all I did was daydream about women. I fell in love from a distance more times than I can remember. It's easy. Plus you can attach all sorts of personal qualities to the woman without ever being disappointed.
"She's got a brilliant future in high finance. She'll get a second degree in entertainment law. She says I'll never have to work. She's beautiful even in the morning. And she longs to obey my every command forever." Sounds like my kinda gal.
Then one day you bump into her at the cafeteria and she has a voice like that Cola-Nut guy, and the energy of Steven Wright. Kind of ruins everything.
It seemed at that point in my life everything I did was to get a woman's affection. I wanted to have more money so women would like me. I wanted to look better, so women would like me. I wanted a Labrador retriever because I knew one woman who liked Labradors. I took a class because I saw a beautiful coed sign up for it. I'm not a stalker, but I understand what it's like not to have time for myself because fm so focused on a loved one-even though she's never heard of me. Okay, it's nothing like the mindset of a stalker, only the strategy.
I fell so hard for one woman in college that I decided to follow her home. Just to, uh. . make sure what dorm she was in. All that year I watched her. I wandered by her building, just hoping to catch one look. I knew her class schedule. I knew where she worked. The whole time I followed her my body was filled with a wonderful anxiety. But it wasn't enough. I was also trying to figure out a way to casually meet her, which meant that eventually I would have to step in front of her and say hello.
The alternative was to be caught in her closet at night wearing a penguin suit, and to try to convince her that I was really one of her stuffed animals, and would she take me to bed because I had been in the closet a long, long time, and I was very lonely. That's always a hard one to sell, and, regardless of the outcome, you're still out the cash for the penguin suit.
As I look back, it was probably a good thing I always chickened out because I'd kept my obsession bottled up for so long that I would have blurted out everything I'd been thinking for a year, things a casual stranger shouldn't know.
"I love your car, your house, and, by the way, where did you get those crystal doves on your dressing table?"
- -
Eventually you find a woman you want to date. Now comes the hard part. What's the proper attitude to take?
If what you're after is a woman's undivided attention, give her none. You can wait out any woman. Don't make any moves. Don't show your hand.
On the other hand, you can give a woman too much.
I once tried just laying my cards on the table. I went to a club, saw a woman, and walked right up and told her what I wanted. I'd been reading The Hite Report and was eager to test out all I'd learned. She was speechless, and I figured I'd blown my chance. But then she said, to my total surprise, "No one's ever come on to me like that. Let's go to my place."
We made love. We made love again. We ate Mexican‑style TV dinners. We slept fitfully. Two nights later she took me to her parents' house for dinner. I should have seen the signs. Because of my audacious approach the poor woman thought I was hopelessly in love with her and ready to pop the question. I was scared to death. Her father was really, really big.
The only question I wanted to pop was "Is there a back door?"
- -
When a guy thinks he's going to get lucky, euphoria sets in. Then he wants to stay at the party, get drunk with his buddies, and see who else falls prey to his immeasurable charm.
Unfortunately, being so self‑centered and greedy often causes
a guy to miss his opportunities. His intended gets drunk, too, and instead of going when the going is good, he waits too long and then her mood takes a turn.
This is more commonly known as a woman changing her mind.
How a woman changes her mind is very difficult to understand. All I know is that it happens at the speed of light, without warning, and that unlike men-who wouldn't have the nerve to try this unsupervised-women have an absolute right to change their minds. A man must respect it, no matter how swollen his glands have become.
"But, Sherry, baby, you said this is what you wanted."
"Well, that's not what I want now. That's what I wanted a little bit ago, but it's not what I want now."
It's all timing with a woman.
"But we already made an agreement. I'm already in lovemaking mode. I can't stop now. And you're obviously excited and. ."
"No, I'm going home."
"You can't go home."
And now you're begging, which is so very attractive. Once you beg you've lost her respect, and you'll never get any. Once you're begging you're in puppy‑dog mode, and the last thing you will get is the bone. That's why it's good if a girl has roommates. Better odds.
Some guys think they're getting lucky when a woman tells him she wants them to sleep together. Usually, when a woman is this straightforward, a distressing surprise is just around the corner.
"When I said I wanted us to sleep together, I meant really sleep."
Another sentence from hell.
I tried "just sleeping" with a woman once, but it didn't work. We did not sleep. She slept. I was awake. Staring at the ceiling. Counting the holes in the acoustic tile. After some heavy making out and what I thought was an ironclad agreement to have sex, I couldn't stop wondering what she suddenly meant by, "I think our friendship is worth too much for this."
This used to happen to me all the time. But I only said it to one woman, who, believe it or not, is still a friend of mine. We wanted to fool around, but I realized that the question wasn't whether or not I wanted to sleep with her, but whether or not I wanted to wake up with her. I know this because she asked me the question. Women. . what can I tell you? Difficult as it was, I told her the truth. Seeing her in the morning would have been uncomfortable. And I'd have had to kill her. Fingerprints, murder weapon, details, planning, decisions. Just not worth it.
- -
Women are always asking men, "How do I look in this?"
Any answer will be the wrong answer, especially no answer. Silence is truly deadly. When you hear the question, it's already too late to run away. The guillotine has dropped, and your head is already in the basket.
I have a question: Do women really think men can say something they'll want to hear? Or is this question analogous to boys' pulling legs off spiders? That said, try to say something nice. Deep down, women will appreciate that you're at least paying attention.
Visual tip: Before answering, tilt your head slightly to one side, take a deep breath in through your nose, and as you let it out, let a sigh slowly transform into a warm smile. The results are amazing, and often overshadow any words you might mumble. Be sure to first practice this in the mirror. Avoid the classic quizzical dog‑head tilt at all costs.
I once watched a relationship end because the guy didn't understand this. His girlfriend came out of the bedroom wearing an incredible red cashmere sweater. Her hair was magnificent. She was so lovely I almost fell down. They say women dress for themselves, but clearly she was trying to impress him. But this guy just looked at her and said, "You got any beer?"
The look on her face. Her spirits just plummeted. She didn't even ask how she looked.
"You look really great," I said, stepping up to the plate. Sensitive man that I am, I had spotted the problem immediately and wanted to cheer her up. My reward was a gorgeous smile, half a lip lick, and eyes that looked at me in a new way. Later, when she'd finally dumped her putz boyfriend, she asked me straight out if I wanted to sleep with her.
I declined. I wasn't going to fall for that routine.
Besides, do you realize how many holes are in an eleven‑by‑twelve acoustic‑tile ceiling? Three million two hundred thousand six hundred and twenty‑eight.
She insisted. I resisted. She demanded. I gave in.
Do you know there are really three million two hundred thousand six hundred and twenty‑nine holes in an acoustic ceiling?
Sadly, I've probably ignored how my wife dresses a million times without thinking about it. So now I try to remember that when fm thinking she's pretty I should tell her she's pretty. Guys, don't be lazy about that. If she looks wonderful right now, say, "You look wonderful right now." But be careful, because she's liable to say, "Right now? What the hell does that mean?"
Another rule to remember is never comment on a woman's rear end. Never. Never use the word "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Just avoid the area altogether. Trust me. What are you going to say?
"Your butt looks good in those pants."
"Why, is it tight?"
"Yeah."
"So it's big?"
"No, it's just I like the way it looks in those pants."
"Meaning you didn't like it yesterday because it was bigger in those other pants?"
Women always think their rear ends are too big. You can depend on that like you can depend on the morning chubby. There's nothing you can say about a woman's butt that doesn't make her suspicious. There are many theories why, but I'm certain it's because the derriere is a woman's weakest area. She can't powder it. She can't use concealer. It's actually too far away to reach. She can't really see it well, from any angle. It's something they can't control, and they like controlling everything that has anything to do with their appearance.
Men, on the other hand, don't care how their butts look, especially when they go outside in the morning to get the paper in their underwear.
Very few things bother men. Women who don't shave is one. It's too much of a stretch. The guy will start shaving his legs just because someone in the relationship has to be smooth. Women grabbing a guy's love handles is another. Women can be particularly cruel about that. Along with the degradation of a woman's manhandling your spare tire, there's actual pain associated with the pinch. Remarks about a man's skin are another. A girl I danced with once said, "God, your pores are so big!"
I didn't really need to hear that, now did I?
Mostly, women say stuff about washing and men's general state of filth. When's the last time you asked your wife or girlfriend, "Did you shower today?"
Give a woman half a chance and she can shatter a man's confidence in less time than it takes to make love to your wife. And it's always in the form of a question.
My wife does this to me all the time. We're getting dressed for a date and she says, "You're going out like that?"
"No, this is a pre‑outfit. I just wore this to get to the outfit. What do you think I should wear?"
"How about the brown shirt with those pants I just bought you?"
"Yeah, that's what I planned to wear! I just wore this to get to that outfit." Meanwhile, she's changed clothes five times. She should understand.
- -
I've been asked when lying to a woman is okay. All the time would be just fine. As long as you don't get caught. Just don't get caught.
- -
Here's how you can tell when a woman is lying to you: When you so completely believe what she's saying that it doesn't even occur to you to question. That's when she's lying, but it's a catch22. Let it go.
Also, don't believe her when she tells you that you look great in her red cashmere sweater.
- -
To help understand a woman you need to be familiar with how her body functions. Her period is a perfect example of how completely different men and women are. And why we'll never really comprehend them.
The period arrives every month, and each time it's something new. Whatever's happening to their bodies has never happened before. It's relentless. It must be horrible. Of course, I can only judge by her period's effect on me. And they say men are self‑centered.
It starts with, "Honey, fm so bloated."
"Stuffed from eating?"
"It's not like that!"
I guess that if you're not a woman you just don't understand this bloat thing.
"So it's like you ate too much?"
"No! No! No! Look at my swollen joints. Do my ankles look like I ate too much?"
"Well, if you'd eaten a lot on a consistent basis for, say …"
"I'm bloated, you idiot, I'm bloated."
"Like you ate too much."
That did it. Trust me, the only guys who can actually catch flying plates haven't worked since Ed Sullivan went off the air.
As I said, women's difficulties are very frightening. This is probably why men invented the calendar: to keep track of women's lunacy. (Lunacy, from the word luna, or moon-moon, tides, menstrual cycles.)
Maybe a good way to understand each other is to turn the situation around and put men in women's bodies.
"George, do the rough framing on the house today. I'm flowing like a goddamn river. And my tits are killing me!"
"Why don't you try those lite pads from Miller. More bulk, less filling." "I don't know. Jesus, I feel so ugly. And these zits all around my mouth. Do I still look pretty to you, George?"
Professional sports would forever be altered. "You know, Vin, Tony's not playing very well today."
"Yeah. . swing and a miss. . the way he handles that bat, he looks a little swollen around the wrists. . called strike three."
- -
Why do women keep making the same mistakes in love? Maybe because they actually enjoy buying all those self‑help books like Women Who Love Other Women's Husbands Too Much, and Women Whose Husbands Don't Love Them Quite Like They Used To, and Women Who Don't Pay Attention to Their Husbands and Lose Out in Love Because They're Reading Too Many Books About Why They're Not Loved.
Guys read, too. There has never been a cereal box that didn't fascinate me. And you can earn free gifts-even today.
Actually, women are just searching for something, like we all are. A favorite lipstick, a scribbled Post‑it. They want some reason to make love besides hormonal determination. They want stability. They want Fabio (first mistake). They want Robert Redford and Paul Newman (mistakes two and three). They want Marky Mark (a mistake even if he is available). But women are just like guys. They pick out the male Ferrari, occasionally try a pickup truck, and eventually settle in with the family station wagon.
What makes it take so long is what makes it interesting.
I feel a whole lot better now about being a man.
- -
To tell the truth I didn't want to hurt anybody.
I just wanted this other guy's girlfriend because at that point in my life I'd decided it was time to get serious. Casual sex had become meaningless, and I was tired of trying it again and again just to remind myself.
I wanted Eric's girlfriend so bad that I kind of broke them up. I did it for a good reason: He never paid any attention to her. I couldn't figure out why, because when I watched her looking at him, all I could think of was how I wished a woman would look at me like that.
Then we got together and our relationship was not what I had imagined at all. I realized why Eric didn't pay any attention to her: because she was just bothersome. All that staring can drive a guy nuts. I found out it wasn't even staring. She was bewildered. She was in a constant daze. I don't think she could even see me. It lasted about a year. See what happens when you set goals?
I didn't actually break up with her, though. I just made believe she was a newspaper route and disappeared.
Only once did my chicken method of ending a relationship cause me any regret.
I'd been seeing a woman for two years. Her dad was extremely wealthy and owned a national chain of tire stores. Carrie Ann was incredibly attractive and smart. Plus she was born the same day and year I was. For a narcissist, this is unbelievably good luck. It's like a court order from fate saying, "Have sex." It's like having sex with yourself only you're not alone, like usual.
The only problem was that we weren't merging like I'd hoped. We were both funny, and when we were both "on" it was annoying as hell. We both demanded so much attention. Neither one of us knew when to stop.
When it got too heavy I just left.
Carrie Ann called and kept calling for weeks. But I was sick. I just forgot that I even knew her. It was the only thing I could do, partly because I was so crazy about her. What was I going to say?
Finally, her mom called my mom. My mom always said the same thing when this happened, "I stay out of my son's relationships. I just can't get involved in it." The other mother said, "Well you've got to do something. She's not going to school and she's not eating. For god's sake, this is getting very serious." My mom promised to mention it to me.
All I could say was "Mmm?"
Eventually I gave up my childish ways after being dumped about twenty times myself, and I realized I was just afraid of closure. I had to learn about finishing the job. Women need it, and men have a tough time doing it. (Some women avoid endings, too, but they're usually Playmates dodging Julio Iglesias's phone calls.) Now I know to just end it. Say it. Do it. Be decisive. Women demand that of men, which is good. Stop this bullshitting around.
I ran into Carrie Ann years later, at a party. She was with her husband. He was a nice guy. They showed me pictures of their three kids. Later, when I was about to leave, he rushed over and said, "Look, would you come to our house tomorrow and tell my wife it's over? Because I think there's a part of her that's still pissed." It wasn't really convenient the next day, but I will do it. I will.
- -
A guy knows he's in love when he wants to grow old with a woman. It's when he wants to stay with her in the morning. It's when he doesn't want to leave the house. He starts calling sex "making love," and afterward he wants a great big hug. He loses interest in his car for a couple days.
It's that simple, I swear it. So he does what any decent guy would do. He starts, however tentatively, to think about marriage. And that's when it gets really scary.