For giving us our worst Olympic sport.
In case you are not from Canada, curling is an Olympic “sport.” It involves pushing a granite stone on ice and then sweeping brooms in front of it. It takes a tremendous amount of skill and precision. If you wanna play, get some friends together in the wintertime. Grab a push broom, steal a few big flat stones from the neighbor’s yard, and head for the frozen creek. Then take the stones and throw them at your friends’ kneecaps. After that, proceed to beat the shit out of them with the broom for agreeing to play such a stupid game.
Curling is what people did for fun in Scotland in the sixteenth century… Some traditions should just die. I mean, seriously, we let you keep the kilt and bagpipe. The only reason you are not the world’s worst country ever is because you invented Scotch and you’re the birth place of the best James Bond. (No, not Timothy Dalton.)
Curling is basically shuffleboard on ice (that thing that old people play in Florida). If Tampa ever gets to host the Winter Olympics, Grandpa Joe will be a U.S. Olympic hopeful.
Other bad Olympic sports that desperately need eradication:
• Shooting. This is great exercise for ONE eyelid. You don’t break a sweat or have your heart rise above 48 bpm. If you want respect, do the biathlon instead (skiing AND rifle shooting).
• Synchronized swimming. Actually, this takes lots of skill, but nobody cares to watch a few athletes splashing each other while clothed. If you want better ratings, add chicken fights!
• Race walking. Someone check the rule book—I don’t think oxymorons are even allowed…
• Table tennis. We can keep this if they start allowing air hockey and foosball! If not, then let’s yank it from the roster. (But wait till after Biba Golic retires.)
• Diving. Even gays think it’s gay.
• Trampoline. It’s better than diving. But it’s a trampoline. It’s a backyard activity for children. If we keep this, then we should allow badminton and beach volleyball too—oh, wait…
• Equestrian sports. Okay—then do I get to ride on my luck dragon in the 100-meter dash?