For inventing TiVo.
TiVo was invented by Ramsay and Barton in the late nineties. TiVo is great. If you can’t afford one or don’t subscribe to a DVR service, you’re spending too much money on drugs. Put down the pipe, pick up the phone, and order one. When you do, you’ll feel a sudden, almost overwhelming sense of freedom, similar to a pardoned death row inmate. I’m not kidding—your toes will tingle and your head will spin all the way around from excitement once you’ve been paired with this magical recording box. No longer do you have to rush home or fear missing your favorite programming ever again! You are free from being a slave to the inconsiderate network time slots. Channel surfing will be a thing of the past. And commercials? You will never have to hear one more “HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead” ever again!
Take note: This perfect invention does have inevitable flaws. Pure evil will escape and fill the TV room with backhanded selfishness. The evil usually starts seeping out in mass quantities once your significant other and/or roommate discover TiVo’s capabilities. Once this happens they will then turn against you.
Let’s say you live with your lover, spouse, or friend and maintain a healthy relationship. As soon as you begin to share this device, put 911 on speed dial, set up a spy camera, arm yourself with dinnerware, and prepare to catch them TiVo-tampering. And beware: The TiVo can backstab its owner as well. Let’s say you delete a Gilmore Girls rerun to make space for recording a playoff game. Remember, TiVo doesn’t make mistakes; you make mistakes. And you will probably become a statistic on the domestic abuse victims list—NOT by mistake.
If TiVo starts meddling with your domestic lifestyle, I suggest you perform a séance. Break out the candles, face your palms up, and start chanting “Light as a feather, stiff as a board, we shall fight over TiVo—NO more.” And remember, sharing is a good thing (unless, of course, it’s a song and the music industry catches you).