For inventing the four food groups.
Since 1894, the USDA has been developing and redeveloping the dietary food standards for the American people. It’s the agency that suggests what we should eat and how much. Ever hear of the food pyramid? Thank the USDA. Once upon a time, the USDA even stuffed all of our food into four groups. I mean, it was quite profound, especially since there used to be twelve groups around. It even made one group just dairy, and then forgot to categorize the Bloody Mary…
Are you hungry? I am—damn. Damn, I am! And I do not like that USDA scam! I would not like it here, I would not like it there, I would not like it anywhere! It doesn’t even have a group for Spam, and I like my Spam. It makes me hungry. Damn, I am!
After the four-group-to-pyramid switch, we found choosing food to be a bitch. Do we eat a tasty fox, or add mustard to a cardboard box? This whole thing’s just too confusing. And it’s not weight that we’re losing! Hey! USDA. One day you’ll pay. If not today, then soon, with little delay!
Sorry… I went off on a tangent there. I can’t just end this RIFE on pabulum poems… Did you ever wonder what happened to the “Basic Four” food groups? Well, actually, through the years the USDA has gone from five, to twelve, to seven, to four, and back to five food groups. And then it made some generic pyramid. I’m sure it has some scientific reasoning, but the USDA changes its nutrition rules faster than most fad dieters. The system has become so confusing and depressing, it makes you want to eat only cheeseburgers. It doesn’t separate different types of proteins, suggests all complex carbs are good, thinks all fats are bad, doesn’t mention vitamins, and forgets to recommend exercise. Hope your dinner guest is Tom Hanks: Maybe he can help you decipher the food code! Now the USDA has a personalized “My Pyramid” scheme to complicate things more. But I think it’s all a scam. Check and see… Soon you’ll be yelling—LET ME BE!