For sucking.
“I’m going to the White House to get my presidential knee pads,” were the inevitable words uttered by Monica Lewinsky to a friend before leaving for her internship. In case you missed the nineties, she wore those knee pads right down to the bone. She had an eighteen-month fling with Bill Clinton that involved oral and phone sex. Their actions nearly took down a good U.S. president and permanently rubber-stamped his career with the words SEX SCANDAL.
Monica, you were such a sucker (no, the other kind—get your head out of the gutter). Did you really think the president of the United States was in love with you? Let’s be realistic. But actually, the scandal wasn’t entirely your fault. You just gave the nobber. Your attention-seeking hobgoblin friend Linda Tripp was the one who spilled the beans.
Okay, fine, you wanted to blow a president. That makes sense; I’m sure every young girl has dreams. So congratulations, you did it. But you should’ve just wiped your chin and kept your mouth shut! Next time wait until his term is up before showing off your oval rug burns to your friends. Well, anyway—we’re not mad anymore. What’s done is done. Besides, we are angrier about having to look at you in that stupid beret you wore on the cover of Time magazine.
And now everyone thinks Clinton getting his knob shined by a pudgy, patriotic vixen distracted us from his goodness. But take a moment and look at his legislation—was he good or was he just protecting his own interests?
• The Brady Bill. It’s the five-day handgun waiting period. Clinton probably passed that one just to protect his own hide from angry boyfriends and husbands.
• The Three Strikes and You’re Out policy. A good piece of legislation—but I think that was just a typo on a leaked memo to Monica. It should’ve read: Three BITES and You’re Out.
• The Safe Drinking Water Act. We all know how thirsty one gets after suckin’ on a cigar.
• The Direct Loan Program. It was good for funding higher education. But what it comes down to is this—he just wanted his interns better educated on the theory that loose lips sink dicks.